Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dear god my vagina.
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