you guys were way drunker than both of me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
