she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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