I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
