I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
