It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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