I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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