it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
