Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
