My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
