You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
