but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
