I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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