this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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