No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
