Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need water and some morals
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
