I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
