If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You took a bar mat shot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
