I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you will always have a special place in my vag
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
