Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
