All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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