I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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