the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
