you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
