Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
