i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
