I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
