at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
