we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
