I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
