u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
