...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
