ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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