after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
