So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
