On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
