He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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