when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
