i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
