why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
