So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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