is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you had me at cake vodka
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
