It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
