I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
