dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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