I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
