Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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