Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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