I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
