The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
