dude i'm inner monologue high
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
