I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
