tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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